Thursday, April 19, 2007

DAY 3: Suggestions welcome

From staples to self esteem

Do past flings find
pink slips in their minds the moment
that you move on like
they’ve been fired as the CEO
of your heartache?

Like there’s a memo informing them
that they can forfeit that nice parking space in the moments of your silence
where thoughts of them bubble like a water cooler.

Is that why they come back?

Groveling for their job and
your affection
that they didn’t mean to fall
asleep drunk on the job
and let someone else in.

That they’re requesting
severance pay for the weeks and years
of riding shotgun through sad songs.


Apparently they missed the classified ads in your eyes where
you sought to fill the loneliness
with temps, flashing help wanted.
So desperate that any warm body would do
taking applications no matter how unqualified
or inadequate
this position needs to be filled.

Just to find out that
this one is worse than the last
can’t even begin to make correct change in a damaged life,
or worse yet
steals office supplies.


Isn’t that always when we
find that promising new applicant
with overqualified laughter
and kisses like good references.

But isn’t that the Monday morning
the disgruntled employee of
last loves comes
barging into our office
and says “You won’t get rid of me that easy.”

To which you respond, “I’m sorry.
someone new works here now.
You can look for employment elsewhere.”

Because there is nothing more satisfying
than firing the source of all your sorrow,
and watching them realize that
everything they’ve taken
from staples to self esteem,
like them, can be replaced.

4 comments:

krikket said...

::sigh::

I just typed an overly-long comment & then got an error page and lost it.

I like the idea of this piece a lot.

I will come back to this when I have more time with a couple of small suggestions for changes that might improve the flow. :)

krikket said...

DISCLAIMER: I tend to do overly-detailed, somewhat nitpicky critiques. If this is not what you want, just tell me & I'll keep it real general from here on in.

I would turn stanza 2 into a question, perhaps "Is there a memo..."

Starting with the line that starts with "Groveling...", I think it would be interesting to start the next three statements all with an "ing" word (which I know there's a word for, but I can't remember it). For example:

"Groveling for their job and
your affection.
Saying that they didn't mean to fall
asleep on the job
and let someone else in.

Requesting
severance pay for the weeks and years
of riding shotgun through sad songs."

(yes, the omission of "drunk" was intentional. I think falling asleep on the job is cause enough for termination all by itself.)

Next stanza. Classified ads don't flash. For some reason, this bothered me a lot and I had to reread that sentence several times.

"can’t even begin to make correct change in a damaged life"
Another line that threw me off. I had to read this more than once before I figure out you were saying correct change meaning money rather than correct change like, changing something correctly in order to fix it (in this case, the damaged life). However, it's entirely possible that this is a flaw in me as a reader. But most of the other references seem to be to office type work & office work rarely involves making change. So maybe not.

"Isn’t that always when we
find that promising new applicant..."

Ridiculously nitpicky here, but this stanza is a question. I would also drop the "But" that starts the next stanza and make that a question too.

"You can look for employment elsewhere"

This feels really formal. Maybe something simpler like "You need to leave now."

Although it may not look like it after all this commenting - I like this a lot. It's a great concept.

Liz said...

I think maybe you want to bring out the stealing office supplies thing a little more, because I've read this a bunch of times and I just now got that the line at the end is referencing stolen staples. But maybe that's just me being dumb.

Yayyy extended metaphor.

Joseph K said...

the first stanza hit me like a person who would hit someone. with a ton of bricks, of course.